I consider myself a person of my generation working greatly to get over the linguistic prejudices of my generation.
People who’ve zoomed with me or read my LinkedIn profile know my pronouns are “was/could be/might have been.”
Those who recognize such see I’m determining my pronouns as time (or, being an author, tense) sequenced, not sexual identity/preference sequenced.
And there we have one…prejudice? Is it really a prejudice?…in that sexual identity/preference idea.
You want me to recognize you as some gender? Okay. Until you need immediate medical attention.
Sorry, I’m going with what I see and what my instruments tell me. I could do lots of permanent damage if I don’t.
Would you like that? Some permanent damage because you sexually identify as something you’re biologically not?
I mean, I don’t care how you dress, and I don’t care who your sexual preferences are (so long as every one agrees to be preferenced), and I’ll even honor and respect your recognition choice in my heart, but if you show up on a stretcher and I’m asked to do something to ease your suffering or save your life, all bets are off. I’m going with the medical/biological/physiological evidence presented.
What if you show up on a stretcher and tell me to treat you as something you are medically/biologically/physiologically are not? And knowing treating you incorrectly could be fatal?
Then as you wish. One less idiot in the world.
I mean, the mountain may come to you if you wish.
Just be prepared for the crushing weight.
Editor-wise, it feels like at some point gender and sex are being conflated here. We start with pronouns (please address me as ___ ) and end with medical emergencies (help, my penis has fallen off). I struggle to imagine an emergency scenario like you describe (help, my penis has fallen off / but sir, you have no penis) but again I am an editor, not an author – imagination is not exactly my realm! I also wonder about the precipitating event here – did someone object to your pronouns? Perhaps they thought you were being thoughtless when I believe the opposite is true.
Me-wise, I don’t understand the difference between gender and sex. Is “sex” what you’re born with and “gender” what you choose? You can choose who you have “sex” with regardless of your gender, correct?
Strangely, I don’t think this is a semantics issue.
Probably also strangely, I based my recognition of “sex” on biologic and endocrinic production, meaning the equipment you’re born with may not be the equipment your hormonal system wants to work with. Such people (after a point in time when their brains are fully formed and able to make such life-altering decisions (~early 30s for most people)) deciding to change gender are – duh! – making a choice and (in my opinion) a healthy one for their own sake. I recognize culture and society may have issues and (again my opinion) fuck ’em. It’s not their life, it’s the individual’s making the informed choice.
What about people who decide they want a gender change for no biologic/endocrinic reasons? Again, it’s their choice. It’s a choice I don’t understand and my opinion isn’t important. More to the point, I will honor and defend (if necessary) that person’s decision regardless if I think it’s the best one because – duh! again – it’s their choice and so long as they recognize the pros and cons, my opinion doesn’t (or shouldn’t) matter in their life.
Regarding one’s penis falling off…we’ve been in different emergency rooms. The situations I’ve experienced both in and out of emergency situations cause me to believe I can’t imagine what people will do to themselves or allow to be done to them. (I did get a chuckle out of your ” (help, my penis has fallen off / but sir, you have no penis)” because I modified it to ” (help, my penis has fallen off / but madam, you have no penis)
My pronouns…so far people have laughed about them and/or told me they love them.
Am I thoughtless…being honest, I wish more people spent time considering such questions as these. Too many people (my opinion again) base their sex/gender decisions on considerations which are not part of the question (see The Words We Use for more on this).
And finally, please help me understand if you believe I’ve misunderstood.
I think you’ve understood. And I don’t know if there are semantics at play here, but to address one point as I understand it, and accepting I am not perfect here.
gender: a purely social construct. related stuff is gender “identity” (this is pronouns) and gender “expression” (behaviors and appearance choices). Sometimes expression and identity line up and gender all feels very straightforward. this is all regardless of reproductive parts since we don’t use our reproductive parts to communicate or socialize (I mean, generally)
sex: this is where the whole biology thing happens, and where people shout “there are only two sexes” or try to make it about what parts or organs you have or whether you can carry a fetus, blahblahblah. It’s reductive, but it’s also kindof boring/who cares. I feel like this is between a person and their doctor and maybe their partners if their partners care about reproducing. Maybe there are other situations? But in day to day interactions I consider it none of my business.
sexuality: separate from sex (ah wordplay – it’s separate from both sexual acts and sex as described above) is just someone’s identity in terms of what they find attractive. That may or may not be confined by gender, and is unlikely to have to do with “biological” sex. Since asexuality is a sexuality, it’s also therefore not so neatly reduced to “who you have sex with” Honestly, this also for me falls into the category of “none of my business” – I am not in the dating or mating pool.
But I think you hit the nail on the head and where we always agree: honoring a person, defending their identity. I don’t think it matters whether it’s something you feel compelled to by some cocktail of hormones, or just because it seems neat. I also don’t care if people change – we do change throughout our lives. (apparently this is controversial) I also think for some people, some situations, at different points in their lives, have different needs in this regard. Many people I care for are not gender-conforming in one way or another. Many of them would not bother in a mixed setting of acquaintances to bring it up. Some would! For some they feel more secure sharing. I can wonder why, but I tend to just roll with it.
Hello again,
Gender, gender identity, gender expression – My inner evolutionary biologist and my inner anthropologist take opposite sides on this issue depending on the frame. They’re often like that. I’ve learned to live with their limitations.
It’s reductive – not when a species is dying, and I’ve noted The Wild, The Wild lets its children change sex as species survival need arises. This is a point where humanity feels it has no need to honor The Wild. At humanity’s peril, me thinks.
And among humans, is it my business? No.
Sexuality – I go back to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and To Wong Foo, thanks for everything – Julie Newmar. Never doubted the characters were male, never doubted their sexuality was female, never had a problem with it. I’ve known several people whose sexuality was not their biologic sex. More power to them.
But then again, I volunteered in AIDS hospices back in the 80s to let people know someone cared even if society-at-large and their families did not (FWIW, some of those experiences appear in Chapter 150 – LifePath Work in The Shaman).
Honoring a person, defending their identity – While I acknowledge there’s always a choice, in this I often absolve myself of choices and act to honor and defend. Another inner duality I’ve learned to live with.
In all things, I go back to a lesson one of our dog’s gave me (and referenced in The Book of The Wounded Healers); am I warm, am I safe, am I dry, am I fed? All necessary, and the greatest is “Am I loved?”
Without that one, none of the other matter.
Regardless of how some self-identifies and/or expresses themselves (et cetera), respond with love. It’s always (to me) the best bet.
and as Ella Fitzgerald says (well, whoever wrote the song – google wants to fight me): Hooray for Love!