It took me most of last week to recognize the central theme (central issue?) with this story, which is based on Principle #75 – “If I am a thief, then you must steal.”
All previous versions of the story end with Jerry metamorphosing into an alien creature, and not out of some evil alien intent. The purpose is to help humans understand the aliens and their culture, and is based on The First Law of Semiotics and the need for a mutual basis of understanding to exist before communication can exist.
Understanding the theme, I can move forward composing a (hopefully) better story.
It also helps to read with “editor’s eyes,” hence recognizing things which need fixing in the first section of the story…
Some things which need fixing
Betty waited until Jerry’s eyes were half closed, his feet up and his recliner pushed back until he was stretched out on it. He napped off and on during the day, his body still most comfortable resting in something resembling his ship’s cryocouch. This is an amazingly weak opening paragraph. Yes, it establishes the two main players in the story, and yes, it gives a piece of the setting, and definitely yes, it does neither enough to make any but a casual reader continue reading.
The great challenge here being a casual reader may put the story down and casually forget to finish reading it…along with your name and other listed work.
(from here)
When he seemed most comfortable, she leaned over him and asked, “Anything more to do with the Press?”
“Nuh-uh.” He shook his head slightly.
“NASA?”
He snorted, “No.”
“Any more politicians want their picture taken with you?”
He blew a raspberry at her.
“Dr. Koss says you’re okay, right?”
He smacked his lips, cushed himself into the recliner a bit more and mumbled, “…old fart.”
“Then tonight, Mr. Gerald Fortin, you are mine.”
He opened his eyes, smiled, and took her hand as she pulled him from the recliner.
(to here) The above chunk is Toing and Froing of the worst kind. Ask yourself what’s really going on here? What’s the purpose of this exchange? How does it serve the story? How does it move the story forward?
You could offer it demonstrates/develops character, and I’d agree. I’d also offer it does so poorly and can be replaced by a single sentence.
(from here)
Two hours later, Jerry said, “I’m sorry, honey.”
“Jerry, it’s okay. You – ”
“No, Betty, it’s not okay. I may have been in cryosleep but I didn’t stop thinking about you.”
“Jerry, I understand. I’m happy just to have you home. Honest. Besides, there’s always tomorrow. Now let’s get into cuddle position two and we’ll work on it in the morning. Promise.”
(to here) Several paragraphs in we have our first hint of conflict/tension/suspense. Waiting this long before introducing the story’s tone can throw the reader or at least confuse them, neither of which are good.
The moon shone strongly through their bedroom window while they slept. Betty, not used to the sound of breathing beside her in bed, woke up, reached across the sheet and felt Jerry there, remembering her husband was home. As she touched him, she heard a chatter, like a cat watching birds it knows it can not reach. She sat up and realized the sound came from him, from inside. “Poor baby,” she whispered. “Not used to home cooking?” She lifted herself to kiss his cheek and noticed his eyes were open as if gazing at the moon. Even though his eyelids were up she couldn’t see his eyes, not even the whites. Dr. Koss assured her Jerry was fine, fatigue due to readjustment to earth gravity perhaps but nothing more.
She snuggled beside him, heard a gurgling inside him, and smiled.
As with the previous, these paragraphs’ tone adds to the reader’s confusion. Ask yourself how much necessary information is passed to the reader. More importantly, how come everything’s now in passive voice?
Overuse of passive voice is usually an indication the author’s unsure of their writing and/or their subject matter, basically they’re isolating or separating themselves from it, and so I was here.
Questions or comments? Bring ’em on. They’ll help me craft a better story.
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